Sucker Punch is a movie that’s terrible, despite featuring dragons, robot-samurais and half-naked women. If you can’t make an awesome movie out of just one of those things, you’re an embarrassment to filmmaking.

Taking place in an asylum for the incredibly hot (apparently), Sucker Punch is the story of a group of scantily-clad girls who decide to sexily break out when one of them is scheduled for a lobotomy in five days.

But there’s a twist. You see, our lead – Baby Doll (yeah, Baby Doll – they all have stripper names as well) – has a vivid imagination. So much so, that when she first arrives at the asylum, she almost immediately begins to imagine it’s a bordello.

Okay, easy enough. I tackled Inception, I think I can handle that.

But then, within that fantasy, she further escapes into fantasy – envisioning a CGI landscape with all of that cool stuff I mentioned before.

Okay, still on board. Suspecting Snyder was just looking for an excuse to throw whatever crazy shit he wanted on the screen, but still on board.

And all of this makes for visually impressive stuff to look at. The problem is, whether the characters succeed or not is fairly irrelevant, because the majority of the movie happens in a fantasy world. No reality means no consequences, and no consequences means me not giving a fuck for about 90% of this film.

Sure, there actually are consequences. The fantasies are loose metaphors for what’s actually happening one step above. But it never really feels that way, and coupled with the fact that this movie has dialogue that gives Battle: Los Angeles a run for its money, Sucker Punch is really hard to invest in as a movie.

Think of it like watching someone else play a video game for about two hours. Now, think about paying $13 for that privilege.

“But Jon, I don’t want things like character arcs, dialogue, or any other basic staples of storytelling. I want to see Sucker Punch so I can stare at five gorgeous, half-naked women for two hours.”

Well, then may I suggest watching some online porn? The women there are more naked for less money.

Look, the visuals in Sucker Punch are pretty good. Not Avatar good, or anything revolutionary, but Snyder’s usual calibre of CGI-wizardry. So, if that alone is reason enough for you to want to watch this movie, then by all means do.

But for anyone looking for something beyond visuals, you won’t find it. All I’m saying is, I like looking at fireworks too, but after about five minutes, I’m pretty bored.

Sucker Punch is a poorly-written, unsatisfying movie, which never has any fun with the farfetched and potentially awesome elements it’s working with. Instead of being a ride, it’s a chore. It’s never fun enough to be entertaining, nor deep enough to be engaging.

It’s just a two hour CGI tribute to Zack Snyder’s erection.

]]> http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2011/03/review-sucker-punch-%e2%80%94-a-two-hour-monument-to-zack-snyders-erection/feed/ 8 http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2011/03/review-the-most-fearsome-enemy-in-battle-la-is-suckiness/ http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2011/03/review-the-most-fearsome-enemy-in-battle-la-is-suckiness/#comments Sat, 12 Mar 2011 07:19:55 +0000 Jonathan http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/?p=2636

Sporting a costume which seems to be a cross between The Flash and hockey equipment you got at a flea market, Rainn Wilson stars in Super.

Super is the latest film to show regular people taking their comic book obsession a tad too far — the most recent, of course, being Kick-Ass and Defendor. I throughly enjoyed the twisted, Kick-Ass, but was a bit lukewarm on Defendor. But anyone who’s seen The Office knows that Wilson has comedic chops to spare, so hopefully that will elevate Super to something fantastic.

Ellen Page is also along for the ride. Being from Halifax, I know I should probably be more supportive, but I’m just so indifferent to Page. She’s not bad, but I don’t think she ever adds anything to films she’s in. She’s like the actress equivalent of soy.

Super gets released April 1st.

(Can’t see the video? Click here.)

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Homer eats the Guatemalan Insanity Pepper? If you’re unfamiliar with it, chances are you don’t like The Simpsons, and thus, are dead to me.

Anyway, he eats the pepper whole, then hallucinates a bizarre world (where Johnny Cash plays a Space Coyote, no less). Among the weirdness, nothing is what it seems, but Homer explores this world on a search for inner meaning.

What does this have to do with Rango? Add a few parts ‘western’ to that episode and — boom — you’ve got Rango.

When our title lizard finds himself abandoned somewhere in the middle of the desert, Rango is confronted with the world for the first time. Stumbling across the town of ‘Dirt’, his gift for acting soon convinces the townsfolk that he’s a lizard to be feared and respected. It’s not long before he gets made sheriff and with his newfound power, attempts to get to the bottom of a water-shortage mystery.

If this sounds pretty straight-forward, it’s because I’ve purposely left out the run-over armadillo spirit guide, narrating owl mariachi band, frequent dreamscape premonitions, and general weirdness that makes Rango both unique and slightly off-putting.

What they get right

Whether you love this movie or not, no one is going to accuse it of being unoriginal. From minute one, you know you’re in for something strange and unlike most other animated films. The tonality, language and bizarre tangents present throughout the entire film are testament to that.

And speaking of language, it should probably be said at this point: this isn’t a kids’ movie. Well, not a small child’s movie, anyway. One exchange featured, ‘Damn you, woman!’ and ‘Go to Hell!’ And if it’s one thing we know about children, it’s that they never swear.

The look is gorgeous. Legendary cinematographer, Roger Deakins served as a visual consultant and it shows. There are times you forget the scenery is animated. The soundtrack is great too, courtesy of Mr. Hans Zimmer.

Where they screw up

For all the movie’s cleverness, it wasn’t very funny. Or even very charming. I mean, you could tell it was trying to be, but a lot of the humour just doesn’t connect. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the small references to other films (the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas one in particular), but its reliance on slapstick makes for an uneven experience.

The film also felt a little fuzzy in direction. Quite often, I got the sense that it didn’t really know what it was trying to be. The plot wandered all over the place, and while it wasn’t hard to keep track of everything, it was difficult to care about every little twist and turn in our random little story.

The results

I’ll never condemn a film, particularly an animated film, for going an unconventional route. In a year featuring the highest number of sequels ever, it’s refreshing to watch something original. So for those reasons, Rango is a great watch. But it’s not a perfect film, and desperately needed some genuine, honest laughs in between the quirky, oddball humour. That, or a couple touching moments that make the zaniness a little more relatable.

In the end, Rango was a decent and original film, but not something I have any plans on watching again.

Well, the Oscars are done for another year. What did you think? There were some memorable moments this year: Melissa Leo’s speech meltdown, Melissa Leo’s mid-speech F-Bomb, James Franco in drag, Kirk Douglas owning the entire show, Gwyneth Paltrow’s god-awful excuse for singing, and James Franco’s god-awful excuse for co-hosting.

As for my Oscar predictions…15/24. Not completely embarrassing, but a fairly disappointing score overall. Next year, if I score less than 19/24, I’m smashing my laptop in a fit of rage and retiring from movies forever. Okay, I won’t. Though I’ll probably glare angrily at my T.V. and complain online. Seems more my style, after all.

Here are your 2010 Oscar winners:

Best Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem in Biutiful
Jeff Bridges in True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network
Colin Firth in The King’s Speech
James Franco in 127 Hours

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale in The Fighter
John Hawkes in Winter’s Bone
Jeremy Renner in The Town
Mark Ruffalo in The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush in The King’s Speech

Best Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening in The Kids Are All Right
Nicole Kidman in Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence in Winter’s Bone
Natalie Portman in Black Swan
Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams in The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter in The King’s Speech
Melissa Leo in The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld in True Grit
Jacki Weaver in Animal Kingdom

Best Animated Feature
How to Train Your Dragon
Toy Story 3
The Illusionist

Best Animated Short Film
Day & Night
The Gruffalo
Let’s Pollute
The Lost Thing
Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)

Best Art Direction
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
Inception
The King’s Speech
True Grit

Best Cinematography
Black Swan
Inception
The King’s Speech
The Social Network
True Grit

Best Costume Design
Alice in Wonderland
I Am Love
The King’s Speech
The Tempest
True Grit

Best Director
Darren Aronofsky for Black Swan
David O. Russell for The Fighter
Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech
David Fincher for The Social Network
Ethan and Joel Coen for True Grit

Best Documentary Feature
Exit Through the Gift Shop
Gasland
Inside Job
Restrepo
Waste Land

Best Documentary Short Subject
Killing in the Name
Poster Girl
Strangers No More
Sun Come Up
The Warriors of Qiugang

Best Film Editing
Black Swan
The Fighter
The King’s Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network

Best Foreign Language Film
Biutiful
Dogtooth
In a Better World
Incendies
Outside the Law

Best Live Action Short Film
The Confession
The Crush
God of Love
Na Wewe
Wish 143

Best Makeup
Barney’s Version
The Way Back
The Wolfman

Best Original Score
How to Train Your Dragon
Inception
The King’s Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network

Best Original Song
Coming Home from Country Strong
I See the Light from Tangled
If I Rise from 127 Hours
We Belong Together from Toy Story 3

Best Picture
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King’s Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter’s Bone

Best Sound Editing
Inception
Toy Story 3
Tron: Legacy
True Grit
Unstoppable

Best Sound Mixing
Inception
The King’s Speech
Salt
The Social Network
True Grit

Best Visual Effects
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
Hereafter
Inception
Iron Man 2

Best Writing – Adapted Screenplay
127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter’s Bone

Best Writing – Original Screenplay
Another Year
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids are All Right
The King’s Speech

For the second year in a row, I’m live-tweeting the Oscars. Need to add an extra dose of sarcasm to your Oscar mix? Look no further!

So join me on Twitter, or you can follow along with the commentary on the right hand side of the site. And please, feel free to let me know what’s on your mind – I’ll be here all night. Contact me @ThatMovieSucked or message me directly.

But hurry! It’s about to start!

Say, isn’t that your pot dealer? Look again, my friend. Why it’s none other than Joseph Gordon-Levitt, reminding us all why hygiene is important.

He stars in Hesher, which played at last year’s Sundance Festival. Also joining him are Rainn Wilson and Natalie “I’m suddenly in everything” Portman.

I gotta say, I’m intrigued by this one. It’s hard to get a read on whether it’s a quality film or indie schlock, but with both the star power behind it, as well as the opportunity to see the normally clean-cut Gordon-Levitt act like a metal head psycho, I’m willing to give it a shot
(Can’t see the video? Click here.)

It’s that time of year. With one week to the main event, it’s time to put my balls on the chopping block and attempt to call this year’s Oscar winners.

But first, a bit of a caveat. While the following films are what I think will win, they’re not necessarily my favourites in each category. For instance, if I had it my way, Jacki Weaver would win Best Supporting Actress, Javier Bardem would win Best Actor, Restrepo would take Best Documentary, and Inception would not only take Best Art Direction, but it’d take the big honour of the night, Best Picture. And this is coming from a guy who loved The King’s Speech.

But hey, who knows — maybe my predictions will be wrong and my favourites will win. But, uh, if that happens, please don’t chop off my testicles. I’m fond of them.

Best Actor in a Leading Role: Colin Firth in The King’s Speech

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Christian Bale in The Fighter

Best Actress in a Leading Role: Natalie Portman in Black Swan

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Melissa Leo in The Fighter

Best Animated Feature: Toy Story 3

Best Animated Short Film: Day & Night

Best Art Direction: Alice in Wonderland

Best Cinematography: True Grit

Best Costume Design: The King’s Speech

Best Director: David Fincher for The Social Network

Best Documentary Feature: Exit Through the Gift Shop

Best Documentary Short Subject: Poster Girl

Best Film Editing: The Social Network

Best Foreign Language Film: Biutiful

Best Live Action Short Film: Na Wewe

Best Makeup: The Wolfman

Best Original Score: The Social Network

Best Original Song: I See the Light from Tangled

Best Picture: The King’s Speech

Best Sound Editing: Inception

Best Sound Mixing: Inception

Best Visual Effects: Inception

Best Writing – Adapted Screenplay: The Social Network

Best Writing – Original Screenplay: The King’s Speech

I guess I was naïve to think that the world was done with the ‘found footage’ sub-genre of thrillers/horrors. Though I suppose the success of both Paranormal Activity films should have been a bit of a tip off to the contrary.

To be fair, I have seen a couple decent ones. It’s just that, while there’s always an element of suspension of disbelief in watching any film, I find the ‘here’s some footage of a really horrific, true thing that actually happened…that we’re showing at the theatre for profit’ mechanic breaks the illusion. Portraying the film as reality is an irrelevant addition that doesn’t actually add a thing.

Tangent over. Here’s the trailer for the latest sub-genre entry, Apollo 18 – or as I like to think of it, Blair Witch: In Space!

What do you think of ‘found footage’ films, oh valued readers? Sound off in the comments.

(Can’t see the video? Click here.)