Yes, I’ve been traveling again, but this time it’s a bit more permanent. After more than a day on board the longest train ride ever (note to parents: your screaming children need to be in bed by midnight when traveling with strangers in a smelly, cramped, metal tube), I’ve pulled up stakes from Halifax and have moved to Toronto.

What does this mean for you, oh valued reader? Well, probably very little. However, the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF) is right around the corner and I will attempt to sell both my kidneys in order to attend. If I can, that means reviews, photos, and a soon to be deceased film blogger. Biology was never my strong suit.

Thanks for everything, Halifax. You’ve been one hell of a host, and definitely know how to show a guy a good time. By the way, if we could keep that one night between you and me a secret, I’d greatly appreciate it. I mean, what would Dartmouth and Bedford think?

Boobs and blood: not really two things that go together (unless you’re into some weird, kinky stuff), but the sole promise of loving tribute to 70s exploitation films, Piranha 3D.

And man, do they deliver. On top of setting this movie during Spring Break (and all the Girls Gone Wildness associated with that), the minds behind Piranha 3D also decided to add a couple porn stars to the roster. You know, to help ‘round’ out the cast. Breasts.

On top of that, the film used about 80,000 gallons of fake blood. 80,000! That makes that scene from The Shining where the blood rushes down the hallway look like a paper cut.

And you have no idea how much I wanted to give a glowing review to such a proud and honest, flag-waving, B-movie that gives the audience exactly what it expects and stays true to all the clichés that make this sub-genre so entertaining. A CGI piranha eats a guy’s penis and then spits it back out. Just sayin’.

But, Piranha 3D has some serious flaws that kill a lot of the fun. For one, the 3D option is only available in that crappy, up-conversion 3D (the kind used in Clash of the Titans). This darkens every shot in the movie and makes underwater scenes nearly impossible to see, and for a movie involving killer fish, that’s a lot. It would be one thing if the 2D version was widely available to everyone, but unfortunately for most theatre-goers, it’s crappy 3D or nothing.

Also, for a movie which is supposed to be a fun, mindless, hell of a good time, I barely laughed at all. Of course, there’s no rule saying that an exploitation film like this has to be funny, it’s just, when the promotional ‘Oscar bid’ for Piranha 3D was so clever, I kind of expected the film to follow suit. There’s nothing in this film as funny as Paul Scheer telling the Academy that he ‘gives good Oscar’.

But there are a few moments of cleverness, including a terrific opening reference to Jaws. It’s just a shame that when there isn’t skin or blood on the screen, the film slows to a crawl.

But let’s not over-think this too much. This is a movie about thousands of ravenous, prehistoric piranhas that devour hundreds of half-naked teenagers. You are either sold by that sentence or you aren’t.

Make no mistake guys, if you have a penis (and even if you don’t) you need to go see the most bad-ass and manly movie of the year, The Expendables!

No seriously, don’t. It’s a piece of crap. I was just paraphrasing what most of the marketing surrounding this movie has been saying.

The Expendables: a film so macho, even implying it’s a sausage fest means having the Y chromosome beaten out of you.

Though I must admit, the promise of seeing all the classic action heroes from the last two decades was intriguing. I was curious who was going to be baddest ass in the room. I mean, would they each take a turn? Is there some sort of elaborate tough guy system set up? Maybe a flex-off or something?

But seriously, I was intrigued. However, that intrigue only lasted so long and then was obliterated by mind-numbing boredom. How does a movie with so many action stars end up being so boring and dialogue driven? Yeah, dialogue driven. A movie starring mumble-mouth Stallone, and they stress bad jokes and pointless dialogue. Normally I wouldn’t be complaining about trying to flesh out a character, but they should have just canned the half-assed attempts at giving these people personalities, and dedicated more time to blowing stuff up.

The plot involves a crew of mercenaries for hire (doesn’t it always?) who are offered a new mission on some remote island. Apparently, the general there is being a douche and needs to be taken out. Things get complicated, stuff blows up. Honestly, does anyone really care? Look at all the people in this movie!

My problem with The Expendables is not that Stallone wanted to make a campy, purposely cheesy, love letter to classic action movies. I get that, and I can appreciate the idea. My problem is that it was made so poorly. There was not enough action (if you can believe it). There were no inventive action scenes. There was the ridiculous use of obviously CGI blood and terrible CGI in general. I was bored.

The cruel irony is that The Expendables is currently kicking the crap out of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World at the box office. I say ‘irony’ because Scott Pilgrim offers up action scenes far cooler and more original than its muscley counterpart. I feel the need to repeat that: the action scenes in geek fest Scott Pilgrim vs. the World are better than those in testosterama, The Expendables. It’s like high school, only this time, the nerds wedgie the jocks.

Nostalgia alone will help The Expendables soldier on, and will draw people curious to see their favourites in one movie. However, if you’ll be one of these people, you should know that all the face time adds little to the overall experience, and the abundance of action super stars are wasted on a sub-par action movie, even by the 80s standards.

In the end, the best way to describe this movie is by a definition of the word ‘expendable’: of little significance when compared to an overall purpose, and therefore able to be abandoned. Literary burn!

Since Inception’s release four weeks ago, it has been parodied in videos, trended consistently on Twitter, and conquered the box office to the tune of about $500 million. And rather than review it, I’ve basically been sitting here the whole time with my thumb up my ass.

Well, consider my thumb dislodged.

But first, I feel the need to give a bit of background. This was one of those movies that I was looking forward to early in the year. Right after 2010 began, I caught the teaser trailer for Inception and was sold immediately. Between the Dark City/Matrix vibe, as well as Nolan and Dicaprio being on board, I knew everything I needed to know to know that I was going to be there opening night.

So, I blocked out everything else possible. Hell, I’d already made my mind up I was going to watch it, so why know anything else? I never watched the full length trailer that people online apparently lost their shit over. I skipped all articles even vaguely related to the film. I became an Inception bubble-boy.

All this effort was to watch the film ‘pure’. No spoilers, no unrealistic expectations, no frigging clue what it was about. In a year of shitty cinema, I wanted what looked like a halfway intriguing movie to have a blank slate.

And I’m so glad I did. Inception is by far, one of the best movies of the year.

But rather than tell you what it’s about, I’m going to leave you a bit in the dark. Inception is the kind of movie that flourishes, the less you know about it going in. If it’s even possible that after four weeks of theatre domination you’re still a bit of an Inception bubble-boy/girl, I’ll be damned if I dull your experience even an ounce.

But here’s what I will tell you about the movie. Director Christopher Nolan has crafted a superb film that is beautiful to watch, and (hopefully) shows Hollywood that making a profitable movie doesn’t have to mean making a dumbed-down movie. Inception is an intelligent, exciting, and gorgeous film which offers a glimpse of what The Matrix might have looked like with a soul.

However, Nolan has created better movies: specifically, Memento and The Dark Knight. These two are modern classics which will be remembered for decades to come. Inception falls shy of that mark, but still remains a high point in Nolan’s already illustrious career.

Watch Inception, and if you can, watch it in IMAX. Do me this favour, and next time, I won’t wait four weeks to give my ‘thumbs up’.

]]> http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2010/08/review-is-reviewing-a-movie-called-inception-four-weeks-late-considered-ironic/feed/ 0 http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2010/08/review-scott-pilgrim-pwns-noobs/ http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2010/08/review-scott-pilgrim-pwns-noobs/#comments Sun, 15 Aug 2010 10:02:54 +0000 admin http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/?p=2042

Title: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Studio: Universal Pictures
Director: Edgar Wright
Actors: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Anna Kendrick, Ellen Wong

From its opening 8-bit gag, bringing me back to some old school Nintendo goodness, I knew I was going to love this movie.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is an orgy of video game, comic, music, and pop culture references. It’s also an eye-gasm of messy proportions.

To try and explain this movie experience will only over-simplify it, but here goes. Scott Pilgrim is an under-achieving slacker who play bass in his band ‘Sex Bob-Omb’ and squats at his friend’s apartment. One night, he has a mysterious dream about a girl he’s never seen before. When he sees the same girl at a party, he’s convinced she’s the one he’s destined to be with.

But this ain’t no romantic-comedy…at least not like any you’ve ever seen before. You see, this girl has some serious baggage – in the form of a super villain-like league of evil exes. Their sole mission is to destroy Scott Pilgrim, and before he and his dream girl can be together, he will have to defeat all seven of them.

Thus sets the stage for a movie that plays like a video game and includes fight sequences that jump straight out of a comic book. Brought to us by the director of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, Pilgrim shares Edgar Wright’s love of fast-paced edits and creative visuals.

Leading the cast is one of my favourite punching bags, Michael Cera. I’ve given Cera plenty of shit for taking typecast role after typecast role, rehashing the same damn Arrested Development shtick for years. But, dare I say it? He actually acts in this movie. He’s still quiet and all, but ‘Scott Pilgrim’ is not the same guy Cera always plays, and he gets to show off a bit of range. I’m as shocked as you are.

But like Kick-Ass, this is the kind of movie that a segment of the population will love to a scary degree, but the rest just won’t bother with. Maybe that’s why it’s currently not doing so hot at the box office. But the bottom line is this: Scott Pilgrim is a funny, action-filled, video game and comic-infused, hell of a good time. If the idea of film randomly using samples from Zelda as background music or suddenly breaking dialogue to enter combat a la Street Fighter sounds good to you, you’re a tremendous nerd. Also, you owe it to your nerd heart to watch this movie immediately.

I love Anchorman. I think ‘Ron Burgundy’ is arguably Will Ferrell’s best role. The one-liners, the amazing cast, the marvel moustaches – Ferrell and director Adam McKay’s collaboration on that faux-retro, news saga was…kind of a big deal.

But the projects between Ferrell and McKay didn’t stop with Burgundy; Talladega Nights, Step Brothers, a bunch of online Funny or Die sketches, these two have been inseparable since the lamp-loving magic of Anchorman. But just like milk on a hot day, these recent projects have all been bad choices. I’ll stop with the Anchorman references now.

The Other Guys is the duo’s latest attempt at rekindling the glory days. This effort takes the form of a buddy-cop satire pitting the lovably moronic Ferrell and the irritatingly moronic Mark Wahlberg, against the mean, gold-paved streets of corporate America.

When New York’s usual team of super-cops are out of commission, unlikely replacements Gamble (Ferrell) and Hoitz (Wahlberg) step up to fill the void. Ridiculed by their police peers as screw ups, both men set out on a mission to bring down the bad guys while showing the force they’re a team to be remembered, and not just ‘the other guys’.

And the result? Well, it’s better than the recent batch of Ferrell’s flicks. It’s still no Anchorman, but its jokes hit about as often as they miss, and when measured against the laugh-less Step Brothers, that’s actually a compliment. If you never found Ferrell’s awkward, occasionally loud and unpredictable style of humour, funny, The Other Guys won’t convert you. However, if you saw Old School in university and can’t quite kick your Ferrell habit (ahem), The Other Guys will probably remind you why you liked Ferrell in the first place.

But then there’s Wahlberg’s character. This constantly enraged, tantrum-throwing, child of a character is painfully unfunny, and his perma-Hulk routine gets old by scene two. Great comedy duos usually require a ‘straight man’ to the other person’s bizarre persona, but Wahlberg is just distracting and often ruins Ferrell’s purposely awkward rhythm. This ends up being the film’s biggest weakness.

Still, The Other Guys is a welcome addition to a laugh-free summer and a decent enough entry into Ferrell’s catalogue. It’s not as solid as Ferrell’s early comedies, but when you realize that The Other Guys ate a whole wheel of cheese, you won’t be upset, you’ll actually be impressed. I have no idea what that means.

I love Anchorman.

Hello world. Long time no talk. I’ve been mostly offline for a few weeks, but no longer! The great Norwegian exodus is finally over and I’ve made the long trek back to fatty food and low prices. Mmmm early death.

I thought I might share a few pictures of one of my (many) trips to the theatre in Norway. Unfortunately, I never got any shots of the screen (due to potential anti-piracy freakouts in a language I don’t understand), but rest assured, it’s a big white rectangle.

The “Prince Theatre” in Trondheim. “Kino” is Norwegian for cinema, though it’s pronounced “shee-no” not “key-no”. I apologize, I promise I won’t try to be educational again.

A theatre lobby, with real, live people!

The dissection of a film projector. Shrek appears to be as shocked as I am.

One of these movies is one of the best this year. No, it’s not Marmaduke.

Even halfway around the world, there’s no escape from the horror.

Disney mural.

More Disney murals.

I thought this was particularly cool. All of the warm snacks are kept in these glass containers, so you can simply figure out what you want and take it up to the cash. Easier, faster lines, and the food didn’t even dry out. Perfect.

Some familiar faces and a couple Norwegian staples. Mmmmm Solo.

If you look carefully, you can see a few Shrek 4 promotions in the background. This theatre had them everywhere. I’m not sure if they actually saw the movie, but no quantity of giant Gingerbread Men could make me watch that again. Okay, maybe three.

But it wasn’t always this way. Before Superman got the ball rolling in 1978, nobody really considered the idea of taking a “nerdy” outlet like comics and turning them mainstream. Even afterward, it wasn’t until the late 80s-early 90s before comic-based movies really started to take off.

For a quick history lesson, as well as some facts you probably didn’t know (like that all three of the Punisher movies were the top superhero flops of all time), check out the infographic below, brought to us by the folks at KoldCast.tv. Click to enlarge.

*not exactly

I have no doubt in my mind that “Lisbeth Salander” (aka. the girl with the dragon tattoo) could absolutely kick my ass.

Part of that probably has to do with me being a complete pussy, but more of that has to do with the fact that the leather-wearing, piercing-riddled, bi-sexual hacker is a terrifying human being who would rather slash me with a broken bottle than crack a smile.

Fortunately for me, she’s too busy being the main reason to see this excellent movie.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a Swedish film based on a series of best-selling crime novels. Salander is the common thread in the book and film trilogy, also consisting of The Girl Who Played with Fire (released this weekend) and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest (to be released later this year).

When a disgraced former reporter (“Mikael Blomkvist”) is hired by a wealthy benefactor to help research the murder of his niece, he receives a bit of extra help from Ms. Crazypants – in the form of her snooping around his computer files and figuring out case clues. But, not one to look a gift hacker in the mouth, he brings her into the investigation instead of sending her tattooed ass to jail, and with their powers combined, the unlikely duo play detective for the remaining hour and a half.

The mystery of the niece’s death may be the central plot, but Salander and Blomkvist are the real core of the story. Superbly acted by Noomi Rapace and Michael Nyqvist, the two are a strong centre to a string of supporting characters, and give the story a sense of believability and realness. I mean, what’s more real than a quiet, middle-aged man and his spunky, goth-hacker sidekick?

The writing is sharp, and besides a few mystery genre clichés, this dark, gritty story is original enough to keep an audience engaged. Let’s put it this way: whatever the story may lack in excitement by its own merit, the movie makes up for by the simple injection of our motorcycle-driving heroine. Did I mention she is terrifying?

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a fantastic mystery film, and so far, one of the best movies of year. Watch it or she’ll come looking for you.