Sucker Punch is a movie that’s terrible, despite featuring dragons, robot-samurais and half-naked women. If you can’t make an awesome movie out of just one of those things, you’re an embarrassment to filmmaking.

Taking place in an asylum for the incredibly hot (apparently), Sucker Punch is the story of a group of scantily-clad girls who decide to sexily break out when one of them is scheduled for a lobotomy in five days.

But there’s a twist. You see, our lead – Baby Doll (yeah, Baby Doll – they all have stripper names as well) – has a vivid imagination. So much so, that when she first arrives at the asylum, she almost immediately begins to imagine it’s a bordello.

Okay, easy enough. I tackled Inception, I think I can handle that.

But then, within that fantasy, she further escapes into fantasy – envisioning a CGI landscape with all of that cool stuff I mentioned before.

Okay, still on board. Suspecting Snyder was just looking for an excuse to throw whatever crazy shit he wanted on the screen, but still on board.

And all of this makes for visually impressive stuff to look at. The problem is, whether the characters succeed or not is fairly irrelevant, because the majority of the movie happens in a fantasy world. No reality means no consequences, and no consequences means me not giving a fuck for about 90% of this film.

Sure, there actually are consequences. The fantasies are loose metaphors for what’s actually happening one step above. But it never really feels that way, and coupled with the fact that this movie has dialogue that gives Battle: Los Angeles a run for its money, Sucker Punch is really hard to invest in as a movie.

Think of it like watching someone else play a video game for about two hours. Now, think about paying $13 for that privilege.

“But Jon, I don’t want things like character arcs, dialogue, or any other basic staples of storytelling. I want to see Sucker Punch so I can stare at five gorgeous, half-naked women for two hours.”

Well, then may I suggest watching some online porn? The women there are more naked for less money.

Look, the visuals in Sucker Punch are pretty good. Not Avatar good, or anything revolutionary, but Snyder’s usual calibre of CGI-wizardry. So, if that alone is reason enough for you to want to watch this movie, then by all means do.

But for anyone looking for something beyond visuals, you won’t find it. All I’m saying is, I like looking at fireworks too, but after about five minutes, I’m pretty bored.

Sucker Punch is a poorly-written, unsatisfying movie, which never has any fun with the farfetched and potentially awesome elements it’s working with. Instead of being a ride, it’s a chore. It’s never fun enough to be entertaining, nor deep enough to be engaging.

It’s just a two hour CGI tribute to Zack Snyder’s erection.

]]> http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2011/03/review-sucker-punch-%e2%80%94-a-two-hour-monument-to-zack-snyders-erection/feed/ 8 http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2011/03/review-the-most-fearsome-enemy-in-battle-la-is-suckiness/ http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2011/03/review-the-most-fearsome-enemy-in-battle-la-is-suckiness/#comments Sat, 12 Mar 2011 07:19:55 +0000 Jonathan http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/?p=2636

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Homer eats the Guatemalan Insanity Pepper? If you’re unfamiliar with it, chances are you don’t like The Simpsons, and thus, are dead to me.

Anyway, he eats the pepper whole, then hallucinates a bizarre world (where Johnny Cash plays a Space Coyote, no less). Among the weirdness, nothing is what it seems, but Homer explores this world on a search for inner meaning.

What does this have to do with Rango? Add a few parts ‘western’ to that episode and — boom — you’ve got Rango.

When our title lizard finds himself abandoned somewhere in the middle of the desert, Rango is confronted with the world for the first time. Stumbling across the town of ‘Dirt’, his gift for acting soon convinces the townsfolk that he’s a lizard to be feared and respected. It’s not long before he gets made sheriff and with his newfound power, attempts to get to the bottom of a water-shortage mystery.

If this sounds pretty straight-forward, it’s because I’ve purposely left out the run-over armadillo spirit guide, narrating owl mariachi band, frequent dreamscape premonitions, and general weirdness that makes Rango both unique and slightly off-putting.

What they get right

Whether you love this movie or not, no one is going to accuse it of being unoriginal. From minute one, you know you’re in for something strange and unlike most other animated films. The tonality, language and bizarre tangents present throughout the entire film are testament to that.

And speaking of language, it should probably be said at this point: this isn’t a kids’ movie. Well, not a small child’s movie, anyway. One exchange featured, ‘Damn you, woman!’ and ‘Go to Hell!’ And if it’s one thing we know about children, it’s that they never swear.

The look is gorgeous. Legendary cinematographer, Roger Deakins served as a visual consultant and it shows. There are times you forget the scenery is animated. The soundtrack is great too, courtesy of Mr. Hans Zimmer.

Where they screw up

For all the movie’s cleverness, it wasn’t very funny. Or even very charming. I mean, you could tell it was trying to be, but a lot of the humour just doesn’t connect. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the small references to other films (the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas one in particular), but its reliance on slapstick makes for an uneven experience.

The film also felt a little fuzzy in direction. Quite often, I got the sense that it didn’t really know what it was trying to be. The plot wandered all over the place, and while it wasn’t hard to keep track of everything, it was difficult to care about every little twist and turn in our random little story.

The results

I’ll never condemn a film, particularly an animated film, for going an unconventional route. In a year featuring the highest number of sequels ever, it’s refreshing to watch something original. So for those reasons, Rango is a great watch. But it’s not a perfect film, and desperately needed some genuine, honest laughs in between the quirky, oddball humour. That, or a couple touching moments that make the zaniness a little more relatable.

In the end, Rango was a decent and original film, but not something I have any plans on watching again.

Biutiful is a complex movie, and not so easy to simply say what it’s ‘about’. If it’s merely the sum of its parts, it’s a film about a father’s relationship with his children, dealing with a bipolar wife, confronting death and inevitability, running an illegal Chinese counterfeiting ring, and of course, communicating with the dead. Like I said, complex.

But fortunately, Biutiful is more than the sum of these seemingly disjointed parts. And had I seen this film back in 2010 when it was screened at a few festivals, it would have easily made my top ten movies of the year. Sorry, Restrepo – you’d be getting the axe.

What they get right

First, and most critical to the success of the film, is Bardem’s devastatingly good performance. I had no idea there were so many subtle layers of misery. In a film so devoid of anything positive and joyous, Bardem’s performance is a welcome reprieve, and establishes him as a welcome guide through the worst of circumstances. We end up caring about what happens to this man. His journey is enthralling to watch, even as it breaks your heart.

Additionally, Biutiful is a film that is served very well by both the cinematography and soundtrack. Director Alejandro González Iñárritu’s vision of a dark, yet familiar world envelops the audience. Combined with Bardem’s exceptional performance, the effect is potent and hard to shake.

Where they screw up

But there are times in the film when the multitude of unfortunate circumstances seems a bit…much. Don’t get me wrong – shit happens – but sometimes it feels like Iñárritu is at best a bit of a sadist, and at worst, purposely manipulating the audience. I’m fine with ‘downer’ movies. Rabbit Hole made my top ten this year and Precious was among the better movies last year, but (without giving too much away) one event which occurs around the three-quarter mark of the film just seems to be included to make the audience feel like shit.

Also, while the many subplots running through Biutiful give it a sort of complex depth, the ‘Chinese counterfeiting ring’ plotline feels like it could be completely removed and the story would be just fine without it. Actually, considering this movie is almost 2.5 hours, ditching it might not have been a bad idea.

The results

Make no mistake, if you make it through all of Biutiful, you won’t be feeling great afterward. In fact, after my 2.5 hour down-a-thon, I walked out of the theatre in a bit of a haze, still completely levelled by the film.

But there’s a dark beauty in the ugliness of this movie, and despite the length of it, it never lost me for a moment. On top of that, Bardem’s performance is superb, and really begs people to watch this film if for no other reason.

Ultimately, Biutiful may not be pretty, but it’s definitely one of the year’s best.

Did you know that Season of the Witch was originally supposed to be released March 19, 2010? Apparently, a few weeks before the release, the studio decided to postpone the movie indefinitely, due to poor audience reaction at screenings.

So what did they do? They fired the director, hired the guy who made X-Men 3 to reshoot some stuff and – presto! – ended up with what is so far the worst movie of the year.

Okay, it’s my first review of 2011 so technically it’s also the best movie of the year. Damn it.

“Hey man, technicalities are awesome.”

What they get right

Ron Perlman is fairly likeable. In fact, he may be the only likeable character in this whole movie. While the other characters seem to competing in a game of ‘Who can out-bore the audience?’, ol’ Ron is there kicking ass and keepin’ it real. Thanks Ron.

Um, what else? It’s mercifully short. At 95 minutes, it’s a brief enough trauma to repress. Hopefully.

And that’s pretty much it.

Where they screw up

Everywhere.

There’s not a believable character in this whole sorry lot. Or if ‘believable’ is off the table, ‘entertaining’ (except for my main man Ron, of course. High-five, Ron).

Also, the filler dialogue they add to transition scenes made me hurt. For instance:

Perlman: “We’ve come a long way, Behmen (Cage). We’ve crossed oceans, deserts. Seen things few men have seen. Even so, I think I’d like to see the valley where I was born. Would you?”

Cage (monotone): “I have no such yearning for home.”

Perlman: “Oh well then come with me. I will show you my home. And we will sit in the hall where my forefathers sat and drink ale. And tell tales few men have lived to tell.”

Cage (flat and devoid of even a hint of personality): “And fewer still will believe.”

Perlman: “Ah, but we will know the truth, my friend. We will know.”

Slow clap.

That was the entire scene, by the way. They were arriving at a destination which could have simply cut to them riding through the gate, bypassing this scene entirely. But no. They specifically shot this scene to highlight that word-silk that flowed like verb-honey.

The results

Nicolas Cage was on a roll last year, but this is just another one of his cash grabs for tax money. And while I don’t mind the idea of helping the man pay a few bills, I draw the line at also burning 95 minutes in the process.

]]> http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2011/02/review-season-of-the-witch-should-be-burnt-at-the-stake/feed/ 5 http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2010/11/review-the-only-scary-thing-about-monsters-is-the-ticket-price/ http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2010/11/review-the-only-scary-thing-about-monsters-is-the-ticket-price/#comments Sat, 13 Nov 2010 10:00:40 +0000 Jonathan http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/?p=2202

Watching Monsters is like listening to someone butcher an awesome joke. They get the setup down and make you wait expectantly for the hilarious punch line. Then when it’s time to deliver the goods, they punch you in the face and steal your watch.

Such was my experience with Monsters, a film which is desperately in need of a disclaimer in its advertising. Maybe something like, “Hope you like movies where nothing happens”, or perhaps more simply, “Boooooooooring”.

To be fair, it does do a lot of things right, but in the end, it’ll just leave 90% of movie-goers staring blankly at the screen. “That’s it?” they’ll all wonder. Yup, that’s it – enjoy your cinematic blue balls.

This guy knows what I’m talking about

What they get right

The two leads (Whitney Able and Scoot McNairy) are excellent. They’re charismatic and feel genuine. The dialogue feels organic too. It wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of it was made up on the spot, because the script felt so natural. In particular, a scene where a drunk Scoot tries to pathetically convince Whitney to let him inside for ‘a nightcap’ sounds exactly like how it would go down in real life. Believe me, I know.

The aliens look good too. Judging from the trailer, I figured this would be the sort of film where you barely see the creatures – and for the most part it is – but they do show up, and when they do, they look fantastic. Considering the budget for this film was $15,000, the effects were surprisingly polished.

Where they screw up

I’m a big fan of slow pacing in monster movies. I think the perfect example of this is the first ‘Alien’ flick. It doesn’t rush into anything, but by the second half of the movie, things get crazy.

Monsters gets half of that formula right. I’ll let you guess which half.

A nice slow pace can really add to character development while it simultaneously builds tension, but for the love of god something needs to happen by the halfway mark. If there’s five minutes left in your movie and I’m still waiting for the epic monstery moment to arrive, then you sir are a bastard.

The results

Monsters is not a monster movie. It’s not a horror and it’s not a suspense either. It’s a road trip drama set in a world where aliens have landed on Earth. Trouble is, Joe and Jane Movie-Watcher randomly walking into it won’t know that, and chances are, they’ll be expecting Monsters to have a little more monster and lot less suck.

Boobs and blood: not really two things that go together (unless you’re into some weird, kinky stuff), but the sole promise of loving tribute to 70s exploitation films, Piranha 3D.

And man, do they deliver. On top of setting this movie during Spring Break (and all the Girls Gone Wildness associated with that), the minds behind Piranha 3D also decided to add a couple porn stars to the roster. You know, to help ‘round’ out the cast. Breasts.

On top of that, the film used about 80,000 gallons of fake blood. 80,000! That makes that scene from The Shining where the blood rushes down the hallway look like a paper cut.

And you have no idea how much I wanted to give a glowing review to such a proud and honest, flag-waving, B-movie that gives the audience exactly what it expects and stays true to all the clichés that make this sub-genre so entertaining. A CGI piranha eats a guy’s penis and then spits it back out. Just sayin’.

But, Piranha 3D has some serious flaws that kill a lot of the fun. For one, the 3D option is only available in that crappy, up-conversion 3D (the kind used in Clash of the Titans). This darkens every shot in the movie and makes underwater scenes nearly impossible to see, and for a movie involving killer fish, that’s a lot. It would be one thing if the 2D version was widely available to everyone, but unfortunately for most theatre-goers, it’s crappy 3D or nothing.

Also, for a movie which is supposed to be a fun, mindless, hell of a good time, I barely laughed at all. Of course, there’s no rule saying that an exploitation film like this has to be funny, it’s just, when the promotional ‘Oscar bid’ for Piranha 3D was so clever, I kind of expected the film to follow suit. There’s nothing in this film as funny as Paul Scheer telling the Academy that he ‘gives good Oscar’.

But there are a few moments of cleverness, including a terrific opening reference to Jaws. It’s just a shame that when there isn’t skin or blood on the screen, the film slows to a crawl.

But let’s not over-think this too much. This is a movie about thousands of ravenous, prehistoric piranhas that devour hundreds of half-naked teenagers. You are either sold by that sentence or you aren’t.

Make no mistake guys, if you have a penis (and even if you don’t) you need to go see the most bad-ass and manly movie of the year, The Expendables!

No seriously, don’t. It’s a piece of crap. I was just paraphrasing what most of the marketing surrounding this movie has been saying.

The Expendables: a film so macho, even implying it’s a sausage fest means having the Y chromosome beaten out of you.

Though I must admit, the promise of seeing all the classic action heroes from the last two decades was intriguing. I was curious who was going to be baddest ass in the room. I mean, would they each take a turn? Is there some sort of elaborate tough guy system set up? Maybe a flex-off or something?

But seriously, I was intrigued. However, that intrigue only lasted so long and then was obliterated by mind-numbing boredom. How does a movie with so many action stars end up being so boring and dialogue driven? Yeah, dialogue driven. A movie starring mumble-mouth Stallone, and they stress bad jokes and pointless dialogue. Normally I wouldn’t be complaining about trying to flesh out a character, but they should have just canned the half-assed attempts at giving these people personalities, and dedicated more time to blowing stuff up.

The plot involves a crew of mercenaries for hire (doesn’t it always?) who are offered a new mission on some remote island. Apparently, the general there is being a douche and needs to be taken out. Things get complicated, stuff blows up. Honestly, does anyone really care? Look at all the people in this movie!

My problem with The Expendables is not that Stallone wanted to make a campy, purposely cheesy, love letter to classic action movies. I get that, and I can appreciate the idea. My problem is that it was made so poorly. There was not enough action (if you can believe it). There were no inventive action scenes. There was the ridiculous use of obviously CGI blood and terrible CGI in general. I was bored.

The cruel irony is that The Expendables is currently kicking the crap out of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World at the box office. I say ‘irony’ because Scott Pilgrim offers up action scenes far cooler and more original than its muscley counterpart. I feel the need to repeat that: the action scenes in geek fest Scott Pilgrim vs. the World are better than those in testosterama, The Expendables. It’s like high school, only this time, the nerds wedgie the jocks.

Nostalgia alone will help The Expendables soldier on, and will draw people curious to see their favourites in one movie. However, if you’ll be one of these people, you should know that all the face time adds little to the overall experience, and the abundance of action super stars are wasted on a sub-par action movie, even by the 80s standards.

In the end, the best way to describe this movie is by a definition of the word ‘expendable’: of little significance when compared to an overall purpose, and therefore able to be abandoned. Literary burn!

Since Inception’s release four weeks ago, it has been parodied in videos, trended consistently on Twitter, and conquered the box office to the tune of about $500 million. And rather than review it, I’ve basically been sitting here the whole time with my thumb up my ass.

Well, consider my thumb dislodged.

But first, I feel the need to give a bit of background. This was one of those movies that I was looking forward to early in the year. Right after 2010 began, I caught the teaser trailer for Inception and was sold immediately. Between the Dark City/Matrix vibe, as well as Nolan and Dicaprio being on board, I knew everything I needed to know to know that I was going to be there opening night.

So, I blocked out everything else possible. Hell, I’d already made my mind up I was going to watch it, so why know anything else? I never watched the full length trailer that people online apparently lost their shit over. I skipped all articles even vaguely related to the film. I became an Inception bubble-boy.

All this effort was to watch the film ‘pure’. No spoilers, no unrealistic expectations, no frigging clue what it was about. In a year of shitty cinema, I wanted what looked like a halfway intriguing movie to have a blank slate.

And I’m so glad I did. Inception is by far, one of the best movies of the year.

But rather than tell you what it’s about, I’m going to leave you a bit in the dark. Inception is the kind of movie that flourishes, the less you know about it going in. If it’s even possible that after four weeks of theatre domination you’re still a bit of an Inception bubble-boy/girl, I’ll be damned if I dull your experience even an ounce.

But here’s what I will tell you about the movie. Director Christopher Nolan has crafted a superb film that is beautiful to watch, and (hopefully) shows Hollywood that making a profitable movie doesn’t have to mean making a dumbed-down movie. Inception is an intelligent, exciting, and gorgeous film which offers a glimpse of what The Matrix might have looked like with a soul.

However, Nolan has created better movies: specifically, Memento and The Dark Knight. These two are modern classics which will be remembered for decades to come. Inception falls shy of that mark, but still remains a high point in Nolan’s already illustrious career.

Watch Inception, and if you can, watch it in IMAX. Do me this favour, and next time, I won’t wait four weeks to give my ‘thumbs up’.

]]> http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2010/08/review-is-reviewing-a-movie-called-inception-four-weeks-late-considered-ironic/feed/ 2 http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2010/08/review-scott-pilgrim-pwns-noobs/ http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/2010/08/review-scott-pilgrim-pwns-noobs/#comments Sun, 15 Aug 2010 10:02:54 +0000 Jonathan http://www.thatmoviesucked.com/?p=2042

Title: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Studio: Universal Pictures
Director: Edgar Wright
Actors: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Anna Kendrick, Ellen Wong

From its opening 8-bit gag, bringing me back to some old school Nintendo goodness, I knew I was going to love this movie.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is an orgy of video game, comic, music, and pop culture references. It’s also an eye-gasm of messy proportions.

To try and explain this movie experience will only over-simplify it, but here goes. Scott Pilgrim is an under-achieving slacker who play bass in his band ‘Sex Bob-Omb’ and squats at his friend’s apartment. One night, he has a mysterious dream about a girl he’s never seen before. When he sees the same girl at a party, he’s convinced she’s the one he’s destined to be with.

But this ain’t no romantic-comedy…at least not like any you’ve ever seen before. You see, this girl has some serious baggage – in the form of a super villain-like league of evil exes. Their sole mission is to destroy Scott Pilgrim, and before he and his dream girl can be together, he will have to defeat all seven of them.

Thus sets the stage for a movie that plays like a video game and includes fight sequences that jump straight out of a comic book. Brought to us by the director of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, Pilgrim shares Edgar Wright’s love of fast-paced edits and creative visuals.

Leading the cast is one of my favourite punching bags, Michael Cera. I’ve given Cera plenty of shit for taking typecast role after typecast role, rehashing the same damn Arrested Development shtick for years. But, dare I say it? He actually acts in this movie. He’s still quiet and all, but ‘Scott Pilgrim’ is not the same guy Cera always plays, and he gets to show off a bit of range. I’m as shocked as you are.

But like Kick-Ass, this is the kind of movie that a segment of the population will love to a scary degree, but the rest just won’t bother with. Maybe that’s why it’s currently not doing so hot at the box office. But the bottom line is this: Scott Pilgrim is a funny, action-filled, video game and comic-infused, hell of a good time. If the idea of film randomly using samples from Zelda as background music or suddenly breaking dialogue to enter combat a la Street Fighter sounds good to you, you’re a tremendous nerd. Also, you owe it to your nerd heart to watch this movie immediately.