As any of the countless nutcases out there will tell you, the end of the world is at hand. From the many believers of the 2012 Mayan mumbo-jumbo, to that guy with the “The End is Near” sign who you’re pretty sure is wearing a garbage bag as a cape, diehard doomsday fanatics want you to know that we’re all screwed.
But maybe these people aren’t so crazy. After all, if I were Satan, the first thing I would want to do with those who knew the truth is have everyone think they’re loony. On top of that, to those looking for them, there are many warning signs that our impending doom is right around the corner.
Screw earthquakes and tsunamis, here are the real signs of the upcoming Apocalypse.
1. Sandra Bullock has an Oscar
Star of such classics as All About Steve and Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, Bullock has set the bar high for crappy movies. Then in 2010, Satan rejoiced as the equally mediocre, The Blind Side garnered not only a Best Picture nod, but also a Best Actress nomination for Bullock. Surely the Academy would ignore this nomination folly – a substandard acting job of twangy, inconsistent accent in an equally substandard, overly Disneyfied film – but no. Bullock received what is considered to be one of the highest symbols of praise in the acting community. And the Devil chuckled with glee.
2. Twilight exists
No force has been so successful at enslaving the minds of females of all ages as Twilight. This unstoppable force of unfetered badness is almost as fearsome as the wave of endless demons this film series’ existence will surely preceed. Causing irrational reactions and mass hysteria, the Devil surely delights in Twilight’s ability to easily manipulate us lowly mortals, and only gives him further justification for wanting to wipe us off the face of the planet.
In other news, I hate Twilight.
3. Michael Bay was the highest paid director in 2009
Look at that smug, “I’m-a-son-of-a-bitch” look on his face. Michael Bay, director of Pearl Harbour and the Transformer movies, has claimed the highest salary for directing in 2009, at $126 million. $126 million for Transformers 2, a film voted the absolute worst at this year’s Razzies. For his “efforts”, Bay also easily snagged the Worst Director award at the annual award ceremony, honouring the biggest pieces of crap of the year.
While only speculation, it is possible that Lucifer may have sent Bay to Earth as a sort of film-ruining Antichrist. Purely speculative though.
4. 2010 will contain 75 remakes
As the final nail in the coffin of Hollywood’s inability to come up with anything new, LazySupper.com has come up with a list of 75 films that are being remade this year. That’s right folks, you could watch more than one rehashed, previously watched, embarrassing monuments to screenwriter ineptitude every week this year, and still not run out. What a privilege.
I would say Satan would probably love to have a small cameo if they ever made a The Devil’s Advocate remake if I wasn’t so sure Al Pacino was the Prince of Darkness already. Hoo-ah!
5. Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time
Avatar, James Cameron’s visual orgasm, is now officially the highest grossing film of all time. All this despite its lack of plot, characters with depth, original story arc, or basic reason to see it. The fact that Avatar has made the most money worldwide means that regular, everyday people have essentially voted that this film, above all others, is the one that they wanted to see. Avatar’s commercial success has given amusement park rides everywhere hope that they too can achieve mass popularity.
Taking advantage of everyone’s preoccupation with this movie for months, Satan has used the time to prepare his horde for the final assault. I hope you’re all happy.
